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derishnoL @ lj.com
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6th-Sep-2015 03:04 am - What I seek.
I am here to write an entry because I actually want to take time to think about what I am writing. I have a lot on my mind, and I would actually rather type out what I have for thought in my 750words.com account instead, but I am currently working on getting a speed typing badge for typing 750 words in under 20 minutes for ten days straight. I am currently going to work on day 7 once I am finished here. I have to get it done, before 5am since I'm working on another badge for finishing entries late at night for ten days straight also. Anyway, before I lose thought of what I wanted to talk about, I'll get started.

I've been in recent contact with Cynthia, my first love. It really is amazing to reconnect with someone who you loved so deeply and moved on from so many years ago. It is better late than never. I have always meant it when I said I will always love you. That will ring true for Cynthia, Jessica, and Jennifer. The romantic feelings will change to a caring friendship that will differ from any other friendships, because they have held such a deep and intimate part of my life. I am happy to be talking to Cyndy again. Even though it has been over a decade since we last saw each other, talking to her feels so familiar and easy. I want to talk to Jessica. I just feel bad how things ended between us. I could have been a much better boyfriend than I thought I was. Even though I tried to be good to her, I just did all the wrong things and I also expected things from her she simply could not do. I was good to her at times, but there were times I was pretty much a prick. That is kind of why I was so careful with Jennifer. I didn't want to repeat any of my horrible mistakes again, but I put up a barrier that would prevent me from finding true happiness with Jennifer, and especially with myself.

It will be nine days from now when my relationship ended with Jennifer. I don't regret one second of loving her. Same with Cyndy. Jessica, I'm sorry to say, but I can't say the same for her. It was the wrong mindset I had before we started our as a couple, but I did really love her without a doubt. Jennifer though... man. Breaking up was the right thing to do, but its what happened afterwards which really put a strain on my life. I think could say the same for her too. I should have just backed away and gone our separate ways for while when we broke up. I just wanted to be with her, even if we weren't together anymore. I tried too soon to stay friends with her and I think I totally messed up with that because you can never be ready to let someone go that fast. I don't know if I was afraid to lose her or if we still had a chance or what. I can't really recall, because it just hurts too much. My feelings for her were genuine. They were strong. It really did almost take the two years of being apart to start getting myself together. I really do love psychology, but it's too much for me to dwell into. Here I am now, just writing and reflecting. I have found my way back to Christ. Although I have publicly announced my belief in Him, I still fail to live the way I should. I'm trying to work at it. I have a whole story of how my life went after letting Jennifer go. I feel it was an incredible personal journey for myself and what I've been through, yet I can't find a good way to really share it quite yet. I don't know. Not the reason why I came to write here. I wanted to talk about reconnecting with important people in your life. How I want to be good friends with Jennifer. I don't know. The more I talk about it, the more I just don't know. I don't know her feelings. I only know my own. There really is no right or wrong way to go about it. Well, there are ways to go totally wrong about it, but I won't go there. I care about her. I really do. I don't know what it is I really want. I guess I just want her to feel the same way about me. Even though I know she does care, I think I am just wanting too much just to actually confirm it. That is what I really need to let go of. I'm glad that she found someone. I remember when we were together, I wanted her to experience things like dating other people. Now, I don't think its important. I am finding what I truly want out of life and other things. But anyway, yeah. Michael is a great guy. I've said that many times before. I love his photography work. He really does great work. I'm happy and a bit sad seeing the awesome pictures he takes of Jennifer. Truth is though, I want her to be happy. Truly happy. Not anything superficial, but deep in her heart. Time is not either good nor bad. It does not take sides. It does not heal. It is within our own power in which we use the time we have to heal ourselves and each other. It is how we use time, not what time does for us. It took me awhile to get over Cyndy. It took me awhile to get over Jessica. I have gotten over Jennifer, but only in a sense that we are no longer together. I need to find a good place for how I see her in my life now. It feels superficial, but that is just me. Like I said, I don't know what she thinks or how she feels. I know the kind of person she is. That is why I still hold her high regard. She's just absolutely beautiful in my eyes, in my heart. I feel that way about Cynthia after talking to her again. She's just so awesome. Personally, I have great taste in women, but that's just my opinion. Jessica was great to be with. I was a fool to think I could help her become a better person, when I was in such shitty shape myself. At least I'm doing good now. I'm a super late bloomer, but hey, I get to see the world before my own eyes unfold. As many times as I wanted my life to end, and sadly those feelings can still be felt, I'm glad to be alive. God truly has blessed my life, regardless of anything I could have done. I need to stop questioning it and just accept it, and just live accordingly to that belief. I should really save that for my other online journal. I need to write 50,000 words within this month for another badge I am aiming for. Damn, I just jump from one place to another. God really does work in mysterious ways. I thank Cyndy for showing me that site. I'm still waiting on a response from her that she said I should be terrified. She can write a lot. I love it and at the same time, its just a lot of writing. She's great. I have a lot of great people in my life. My family. My close friends. The people I hate because I just absolutely love them. Those jerks. haha. I wish I could be more out spoken. I just got to work at it. Cyndy told me that writing helps you get better at writing. So just speaking up should be the same. Okay. I think I am ready to mindlessly type 750 words in just under 20 minutes. I like that site because it's totally private. I type on this site for various reasons. It started out just a place to try and keep a journal. I was also a place to try and share with other people, friends and just anyone that might be interested. Last few entries from what I recall is just a way to let my feelings out. I guess this entry itself is like that, but my thought process changes and evolves as I go write. What was my original intent for coming to write here in the first place? Well the truth is in the beginning of this entry, but there were some side thoughts to it. Yeah, I'd rather be writing on the other site about all this instead of here. But since I am going for those badges, it gave me a reason to write here. Then the side thoughts would be I'd like Jennifer to come across here by any chance. I don't think it is very likely, but you never know. I guess just by that thought I can really start to over think things. Like by mentioning that will increase the chances that she might read this. So on and so forth. I just like thinking a lot. Imagination and creativity is different for everyone. I mean I just love witty people. It pisses me off on how awesome people can be at it. I love it, yet, it's like damn it. Remember how I said I like psychology. Just like nursing, when you hear things or take classed or whatnot, people will tend to self diagnose and stuff. It's fun and all, but what do we know. We know a lot, actually. But yeah, there is an infinite ways to think about things. I'm just jumping all over the place. I use to think I had everything. Manic depressant and all that good stuff. Yes, we all have something to a degree, but let's just move on. Some people are just better at things than others. We are all different, but we all have a few things in common that are undeniable which people can deny, because arguing is fun. We all exist and someday we are going to die. One thing is always true and that is change is always constant. What else is there? Anyway, I just started babbling on about just whatever. So I'll just come to an end cause I really just want to get my other writing entry done and play some phone games and try to get some sleep.

I'm ever grateful for coming back to the love of Christ. It truly is just a beautiful and wonderful way to live, if you can do it the way it is meant to be. Even if God did not exist, if we lived the way we should according to the Bible and live a holy and saintly life, there would just be goodness in the world. But let's be real, not everyone is going to accept that. Being Christian isn't easy, but if you have true faith, hope and love, it can be fulfilling life. I don't want to be the hypocrite I always thought myself to be. I really do care about people, but my actions or lack of actions say otherwise. I use to hate myself so much, with so much animosity. Then a thought came to me, the saying of there being a fine line between love and hate. I may have hated myself, but I was so focused in on that it just seemed like plain selfishness. Like I only cared about myself. I use to think that wanting to be selfless was just being selfish in itself. I'm learning enjoy my own life and to appreciate and love it. God gave us two of His most important commandments. Jesus tells us to love God with all our heart and soul, that He is the most important thing in our lives. The second thing He tells us to do is to love each other just as we love ourselves. With just this saying alone, I have always know this to be true in my own heart. That was the barrier that kept me from giving Jennifer all the love I could give her. I had to let go of her to find my love for the most important thing in life itself. Like I said before, God works in mysterious ways. I hope to love and continue to love more. I really hope I have someone I will share my whole life with. Anyway, I am off to babble on my other writing entry.

If anyone does read this, can you leave a random comment? I just curious if anyone looks at my entries. Just leave any random comment. Be a troll. Trolls are real jerks and yet humorous at the same time. I think that says something out our generations these days don't you? But yeah, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!
26th-Aug-2015 12:16 pm(no subject)
I haven't been back here in awhile. I actually found another place to write journals. 750words.com It is actually a pretty cool place to write. Although it is only free for the first month. $5 a month after that. I just paid last night. There are a bunch of interesting features and logistics on it, but my favorite part is that it challenges you to write 750 words everyday. Another thing is that it is completely private. Although we do want to share a dose of our life to the world, its nice to have a place where you can write what ever you want. I mean anything. The goal being just to reach 750 words. This wouldn't have been for me awhile back. I'd give up someway after a week or two. It's been a month so far and I started paying to write. Sounds ridiculous. Why would you pay money that can be easily done for free? I don't know. With the way I think I have rationalized both sides, but I'll stick with the site. I enjoy it, so $5 isn't too much to ask for since it's about the cost of a meal; even less. I have to thank my first love for sharing the site to me. We recently just messaged each other after years of silence. It's been over a decade since I last saw her. I have to follow up with her again. I'd rather not go a long time not talking to her for an extended period of time. She said she remember that I liked to write. I didn't really think so, but then I remember we shared a blog together. I may not like to write, but I always did like to share my romantic feelings. I felt we were similar in a few ways. That's why I was drawn to her. I really am glad to have loved her for the short 9 months we were together as a couple. I still care about her today. I'd like to see her in New York if I ever get the chance, which I might since the next conference for SFC is in New York next year.

Why am I writing here? I was just going through my hyperlink bar thing and saw this site. I just clicked on it and decided to look through it. When I decided to write something, it asked if I wanted to restore my last draft. When it did, there were only two words, "Trust Him." It's been awhile since I stopped coming here. To see those words come up was quite a pleasant surprise. A lot has happened, and my relationship with God has grow so much. I have learned to love and forgive myself and trust my everything to Him. A Christian life really is different from any other if you put your whole heart into it. The people that I have met truly are amazing. My journey through life suddenly to a turn for the better and I have Christ and my brothers and sisters in Christ to thank for that.

It really is hard to let go of my old life. It takes effort not to look back on it in a way it will affect what I have now. Thinking about all the posts I was doing before I went on hiatus were about Jennifer, and my struggles with trying to live in my faith. Now that I'm here, my faith is stronger than it has ever been. I do still think about Jennifer. I'm really proud of how she has moved on from our relationship. There is something about her that just makes her such a wonderful person, and I'm so thankful I got to have six years of it. I don't think I can be friends with her the way I wanted to. Maybe it's because I tried to hard or just wasn't really ready. Regardless, we are still cool with each other. I care about her deeply, but I have my own life I need to focus on. I'm sure that's what she wants me to be doing. I'll always love her.

Now I can focus on being the best version of myself. I will love as much as I possibly can. My brothers say to love your wife before you even meet her. I do hope that God has someone for me. If that may not be the case, I am thankful for having a taste of what it means to love someone. I have so much more to offer, so I'll continue this path and do my best to live according to His will.

If I am not meant for the sacrament of marriage, I do hope to have children of my own. That has been an interesting childhood dream of mine. Also being a taxi driver. I just might have to sign up for Uber or Lyft sometime after I get a new car.
30th-Apr-2015 03:14 am(no subject)
I'd like to make this a habit to write here, but it just ain't happening. A lot of things going on, but I haven't really been going anywhere. Not completely at least. Slowly, meagerly moving forward, so at least that's something. Inner negativity has always been in my nature, but at least it has given me the ability to have somewhat of a good insight into things, sometimes right on the money or sometimes way off the mark.

I am a coward. I usually would just say I'm afraid or just fearful, but no sugarcoating it at this moment. Jennifer was helping out Julie to get car dealers to stop pushing her to get her to sign documents or some decisions or whatnot. I too was giving advice, but I can understand her timidness. Except for me, I just don't want to deal with things. Reasons being, I'm just lazy and another would be is I just don't want to mess up. I know better, but I still am just a fool that makes avoids confrontation and prolongs the inevitable. I'm working on it though. Procrastinating was usually the only thing to get me going. Fear doesn't matter at that point. You do it or you don't. That's it.

This habit of mine has to change. Negative thinking and fear, I have to cast it aside. I know I'm not alone. I know how deeply I am loved. I should express myself without fear. I want to love because I am loved. I want to live a Christian life, a life surrendered. My soul and spirit have been saved. I should live in a way as such. The lives of many have touch my own, and I want to be able to do the same for them and for others. My biggest problem is not having goals. It's not easy to come up with what I want, when most of my life I was just a fool who thought he really knew nothing.

I talked with Brian. I have a lot of respect for him. He's just one of those guys who will tell it as it is. He'll be straight with you. And he's funny as hell. He told me that he thought that I was "too nice." I guess I don't know how to be myself because either I still don't know who I am or just afraid of showing who I am. Maybe I'm just really nice. I really did hate myself before and felt people deserve the best. I was always stuck with the conundrum of how to be good to people when I was such a jacked up person. It's either pride of fear. Which ever it is, it needs to improve. I'd like to be just nice, but I'd really like to be a fun person to hang out with and be able to talk and help out others. I can say that I am, but I guess I truly am too introverted for my own taste. Brian also mention not to let pride stop people from doing or obtaining the things that they want. I'm still trying to figure out how I want feel about Jennifer.

I was at Starbucks reading a book (I'm really happy about that because I hate reading and it's the first book I'm reading just because I want to ever probably ever since I was a wee lad), and these two ladies sat right next to me. The one with her son was showing the other a picture of her boyfriend, telling her that he was someone she dated back in 2000 and that they just happen to run into each other 15 years later and started up again. Being an egotistical human that I am, and like most people, I find ways to relate this to my own life. While we were together, I asked Jennifer that if by the time she reached the age of 30 and we were both unattached, that we marry each other. I got that idea from Friends. Damn that awesome show. I only had two scenarios in mind at the time. That we'd be married before that happened or she'd be married to someone else. I never once thought that she wouldn't have been unattached by that time because simply put, she's an amazing person. We've both told each other that we really don't know what is in store for us in the future. We could end up together. But that is what I don't want to think about. I need to ground myself in the present. And even in this present moment, I want to focus on me and also my relationship with Christ. I need to stop prolonging the things I need to do to get my career started. My fear is, once my career gets going, c'est la vie to everything I had with Jennifer. That's just stupid, dumb, idiotic, baka. I thought that I should live life through my feelings. I was completely wrong. It's not about what feels right or wrong. It's about faith. Faith that things will turn out the way they should. How they were meant to be. And that is why I need to put all my faith in the Lord. Trust Him with everything that I am. Even though I have many doubts, I'll put out all the faith I have for Him. Jennifer, I will always love you. I never promised you anything, but I will promise to always love you.

I know that Jennifer such a recurring them in my present life, but I don't neglect the other things that are important to my life. So much has happened with my family and important people in my life. I wonder if I'll talk about it here. But yeah, I drove all the way to give Jennifer a butterfly, just out of the blue. I was astonished that I was able to catch it that the first thing that came to my mind I that I want to show her. I wanted to let it go with her. It was symbolism for me of having something so beautiful in my life and having to let it go. Of course it didn't work out that way. She freaked out (her dislike towards insects didn't cross my mind because, it's a butterfly) and I ended up letting it go with Julie. I thought it was funny, but also felt disappointed of course. It was one of those things where I wondered how we ever worked out, but also thought that it was one of those things why we worked so well. Opposites do attract.

I don't know how her relationship with Michael, but I don't really mind anymore. I have to admit though, I am jealous of the guy. I was glad that he was there for her after our break up, but it did bother me when they got together. Think back on it, even though I lost it quite a few times, I held together pretty well, even though I could have done better. We're here now. We said we wanted to stay friends if we didn't work out and we have. I'm grateful for that. Aw man, it didn't realize how common of a name Michael was. So many people, the stores, the artist, my favorite turtle. But yeah, I really hope he makes her happy. I hope she does the same for him. I like it when she talks about him. I get to hear about a part of her life that I'm no longer part of. A lot of people say that I am a masochist, which does have truth to it, but I appreciate life from many different aspects. There is something special about me. And yes, there is also something "special" about me as Alma would always say. I really love her. She makes me appreciate my own mother more and more. I love my family so much. Thank you Lord for blessing me with all that You have. I pray that I may live by Your will and serve you well.

This last bit is for me just to bitch. I fucking walked 7 miles to school yesterday after pulling an all nighter because I couldn't sleep. I stayed awake the whole day, trying to stay active so I could get a good night sleep, and hopefully fix my schedule. I did sleep fairly well, but my schedule still be wack. I'm just being a little bitch cause I'm tired. I don't like cursing, but I do it a lot more than people would think. I just don't do it publicly I guess. Just not in my taste. It's funny when I let it slip though. I always look and give people the look, "oh, you heard me." It's kind of like when I hear my dad curse. It's always a surprise when I hear it.

Anyway, I will try to sleep and end up think about worldly things or stupid stuff. Maybe just stay up until I'm just exhausted. I really want to cut my hair. I hope I follow through with my plan of two years. End of December. I'm going to miss it though.

I want to sing, dance and other fun stuff. I should fucking study. STUDY DAMN IT!!!
19th-Mar-2015 08:38 pm(no subject)
Dear God,

You always been looking our for me. I am blessed in so many ways, yet I was stubborn to turn to You. Thank you for all your love and guidance. Even if I always took the wrong path, You still gave me everything I needed. I'm sorry I kept my heart closed off to You for so long. I know it's never too late, and I'm happy to have been able to return to Your grace. My prayers will always to be for You to give me strength and wisdom to do Your bidding, and to love You and others, including myself. I hope I'll be able to fulfill my purpose.

The day I got that letter to further my degree at AUHS, I thought I'd go there to get my BSN and maybe restore my faith. That was really just a small side thought that came to mind, but didn't really think much of it. Attending school and becoming closer to the staff and such, I started losing more faith. I thought the school was a joke, and I ended up stuck there with no other option but just to finish. It didn't help losing the person I loved for six years during the start of the most difficult parts of my course. Living solely for the sake of living wasn't working for me. I remember the day in the bathroom I was tired of life, but couldn't just end it. This wasn't too long after my second break up. Remembering the pain I caused the people so close to me after trying to overdose on anything I could find wouldn't let me so. So I decided to just live, because I will die eventually. The thought of death comforted me. Since I was no longer a believer, even though I did long to want to, I felt it wouldn't matter if there was a Heaven or Hell. I'd be going to Hell either way or be stuck in Purgatory at most.

But there You were. You were always there. The people you gathered before me wouldn't let me give up. And when I tried to to ruin everything, You turned it all around.

Alma is truly a tool of faith for Your making. "Isn't it amazing?" She would say so many times. A woman who reminds me so much of my own mother. After what happened, there was no way I could deny Your existence. And now I can become the man I thought I never could be. I really have to work for it. I hope to give it my best.

So many people throughout my life. My family, my close friends. They helped me through so much, I want to do the same for them. And if I can't, I hope to do it for others. My parents, my sisters, Alma, Claudine, Byron, Noelle, Stephanie, Jennifer, and so many others I can't even fathom. These are people so special in my life and I love them. I love them. For them, I will find my own happiness so I can share with them everything I am. The sorrow that has encapsulated me for most of my life will always be a part of me. I have to do what I can not to fall back into depravity. The self loathing I once had will no longer dictate the poor choices I made to further the self hatred. My moral compass now has a better and clearer direction, now the I have You. I want to be close to the people I love. I want to be close to You. I hope my words and feelings stay true.
17th-Mar-2015 01:20 am(no subject)
The first girl I loved once told me that I have good retrospect. And in retrospect, I suppose I do. Even though I loved Jennifer and wanted her to be happy, I became an inconsiderate jerk along the way. Pretty much a dick. I do not wish to dwell on these facts because there are important things that need to be attended to, but I would like to reflect on it. I am sorry for not treating her the way that she deserved to be treated. The way I would have truly wanted to treat her. I appreciate everything she's done for me. She stuck by me for as long as she could. We both had our faults, and now I can fix my own. My own life has become important to me. I'm giving myself what I wanted others to know and have. Now I can realistically find a way to do just that. Just as I knew I couldn't love Jennifer the way I wanted to without first loving myself. She is with someone who I believe is better than anything my former self could have given her. Truthfully, I have to say that so I can believe that she will have a better life that I could have given her. I don't know what her life consists of anymore. But that is not a good or bad thing. It's just the way it is. Like in my previous post, I felt the pain of moving on. I still feel it from time to time since she still crosses my mind pretty often. It's not so bad no longer having our paths intertwine like it once had. I hope for all the best experiences, good and bad, along her journey. I will make the best of my life and hope to live as best as I can. To my future, I hope to love God and to love others to the fullest of my abilities. In doing so, I just might become a fine and genuine human being.
15th-Mar-2015 04:10 am(no subject)
I'm almost done. This surreal feeling that will soon fade to reality. This time, I'll make it count. I have gained so much from these past few years of school. I will continue to work on becoming the person I thought I never could be, so I can do the things I've always wanted, like helping make a better difference in the lives around me.

Understanding is something I've always strive to do. To be able to even get a glimpse of how others feel, just to be able to connect on a deeper level. It really is a two way street. Sometimes we have to get our own feelings out there to understand the feelings of others.

Moving on is not what I expected it to be. I thought that once I knew that Jennifer moved on from our relationship, I'd be able to move on just the same. I've always been a fool, but when you see just how foolish you are, it really hits you. I talked with her one night in LA when we met up after I finished watching the last Naruto movie and she finished shopping at fashion district. We just finished eating ice cream and our friends were chatting at a different table. She told me that she didn't want to feel that our relationship didn't mean anything after finding someone new. I understood what she meant by it, but I didn't know how that really felt, until a few days ago. I've been trying to move on myself, and I finally am. I kind of get where she's coming from. I hurts moving on, but I have to instill in myself what I told her. Our love really meant something to the both of us. Even though its over, we will continue to care for one another.

I appreciate where we have been. Because of her, I know just how much I can love a person. Someday I'll be able to give my heart to another and share my life with her. But before those anticipated days come, I want to enrich my life with what I have now. Jennifer told me that I shouldn't change. Truth is, I will always be the person I've have been, but I am bettering so many aspects of my life. I have found my way back to God's light, after turning my back on Him for more than half of my life. My soul and spirit have been saved by someone I love dearly, after hurting them in such an extreme way. He has always been looking after me. I've always been blessed for having such a life, and use to scorn it because I felt I am undeserving. But now, I don't need to understand why. I just have to accept it and live the way I was meant to. From church, a pastor said that He has many rules or commandments that He wants from us, but it really comes down to two of them. The first is to love God. The second is to love others. That is how I want to live my life. Loving Him will guide me to love others and to love myself. He has forgiven all my sins. I hope to be able to forgive myself.

I am still on the fence of what kind of relationship I want to have with Jennifer. I guess I still need more time to figure it out. I wanted to be close with her and be able to confide in each other. What ever happens, I hope she will live her life the way wants to, and for her to experience life to the fullest. I do want that for everyone, but she's special to me, so I kind of want it a little bit more for her.

On a side note, I was talking to my sister and told her about how I thought once I found real happiness, my life would come to an end. I am a big believer in self-fulfilling prophecies. I remember one day back in high school, when I felt everything way going great and I was happy having such a great day, I fell asleep at the wheel of my dad's truck and totaled it by hitting the center divider and flipping it three times landing on it's side. I remember waking up before hitting the side, the only thing I could think of was, "No no no, don't mess up his truck..." Then blacking out. I thought it was cool how everything slowed down though. I'm pretty weird to get excited every time I come close to death. The only time I don't it if other people's lives are endangered. I guess I'm still a little that way for the adrenaline aspect, but now I really want to live life. I don't want to be the kind of guy to give up on it how I use to. Even though this world is broken, it's still filled with so many beautiful things. But anyway, the reason for this paragraph from the starting sentence is that my sister told be maybe it will end. I haven't been baptized as a Christian (I was raised Catholic and baptized as such, but I opened my heart back to Him as a Christian), and it is said that your life is reborn anew when you are baptized. I am thinking about it, but I want to reconcile with someone before I do.

Tonight was fun. Didn't think I was going to go out, but I did. Hanging out with good friends is always nice.
6th-Mar-2015 07:38 am - Closer and closer
I have a test in a few hours. I love know that I don't need that much time to study to pass, but pretty sad that I could amount to so much more if I did put the time and effort into it. I am reaching a better place, so I hope that in the near future I will reach my potential and go beyond. As of for right now, finishing school is my top priority.

With that said, I'm here to settle my heart for a bit. Love has always been important to me, ever since I was a kid. I've always wanted to be a good boyfriend, to become a good husband, and become a good father. There was a point in my life where I hate guys and being a guy myself because of how I saw my sisters being hurt. I wanted to be better, but always felt that I was no better. I was in middle school at this time and never been close to being in a relationship. I've always been girl crazy since grade school, but that's a story for another time.

Anyway, I'm only here because I was on facebook and came across an article talking about if a woman was either dating a boy or a man. Of course when reading these sort of things, the first thing that comes to mind is the most recent relationship. Reading through it (more like skimming), I have an urge to call Jennifer. I want to tell her that she's beautiful. Until I find stability when it comes to her and my heart, I must refrain. I'm just glad I can still tell her that I love here from time to time, even though I want to tell her all the time.

I want her to feel beautiful and see all the wonderful things about herself that I see and I'm sure that others see in her, too. My desires to love her with all my heart has lead me to see these things in myself. I once told her that I couldn't love her the way I truly wanted to until I learned to love myself. Ironically, that process happened after our relationship ended. My life is full of color that I want to share with her, and who's to say I can't? We still hang out from time to time and care about each other. The fact is that I'm getting better at moving on, but I still desire her romantically. It's almost been two years. Time does heal wounds as long as you do it correctly and are willing. What would have been our 8 year anniversary is on the day of my graduation. It doesn't make me sad. I just love thinking about our first kiss. That day when I was over when they were sewing for anime expo. I was lying on the couch resting. Her dad was sleeping in the room across from me, where I could see him. She came over and crouched down to check and see how I was doing. Man, I just love the way we started having feelings for each other, but again that is another story for another time. As she looked at me, I remember just how much I was into this girl. Scared to start another relationship, but damn, she was worth every experience. I didn't want our first kiss to be at an anime convention, so I asked her right there, "Can I kiss you?" She agreed to it. It was sweet and simple kiss. It felt a lot longer than the second our lips were connected. She stood up, made this cute squealing noise and retreated to the other room, but not before banging her leg on the corner of the table. I thought that was the cutest thing. I looked at her dad and silently thought to myself, "I really like your daughter." I closed my eyes. "This is the start of our relationship."

I want her to feel beautiful. She's amazing. I can't make her feel that way. She has to feel that for herself. I do hope Michael makes her feel special. I want to say that I'm sure he does. Is that okay for me to assume? I want nothing more that for her to be happy. I know I'm super cliche, but that's just how I am. Just like how I puns and innuendos. I'm not the hopeless romantic that I thought I once was. Maybe I am. I just looked up the meaning on urban dictionary. haha. I such a loser, but people love me for me. Man I hate them, but with much love. More stories for another time if I ever get the motivation to get around to it. But anyway, I'm glad I went to her graduation. When we were at Ten Ren's, watching the two of them together was a surreal moment for me. Her laugh, her smile. She's happy with Michael. Of course it hurt at the time, but I was happy, too. I hoped she was fairing off better than me, because I was honestly a mess. I'm thankful for the people I had around me to get through such a tough time. We both had it rough and of course I feel that is an understatement. But today, is a beautiful day. We're both doing our thing. Guess I'll just leave it at that for now.

A lady just looked at me and smile. I smiled back. Two strangers just engaged in a brief conversation and parted ways. I'm such a simple person that things like that make me happy. I'm at Starbucks. Feeling guilty about being here because one of my professors whom (who?) I have a lot of respect for, is against this corporation for valid reasons. But there aren't many places open at 5 in the morning. I don't even understand why I bother trying to study so early when I'm just going to wait til the last hour or two, which is coming up in the next half hour. Oh well. At least I got to write some things out. I feel pretty good. But yeah, this procrastination and last minute shit has got to stop. I'll try working on it over the weekend.
2nd-Mar-2015 08:00 pm - The here and now.
Moving forward is pretty nice. So after talking to my former love, I feel like I have some closure on our relationship. It's always nice to look back from time to time, but now there is no turning back. What we have now is just as beautiful as what we had back then, just not as intense or intimate. I cherish her, just as I cherish the ones I love. As I search more into my own worth, the world around me is becoming more and more colorful. I hope that I can ignite a light in myself that will be able to shine with others. I have always admired people's light. I want to see them burn brighter and be able to support that.

Still, got to work on what needs to be done. I want to express myself so much, but I've got to study. Sort of avoiding it by blogging, but I do want to find excuses not to express what's going on. So this test I'm taking tomorrow, it's my third time taking it. Pharmacology. Studying is not one of my strong suits. Just thinking about it is just putting me down. Everyone has been encouraging me. I guess I've always been afraid of not being good enough. If I gave it my all, study my ass off, then fail, I don't think I could handle that. That's how I've felt since the start of middle school. Procrastination was my way of saying, "Hey, I can still do pretty well even though I didn't take much time or effort." My fear of failure is the same as my fear for success. But neither aren't so bad depending how you look at it and how you take it. People believe I'm smart. There is only one person that calls BS on me, but she too knows my potential. I also know of my own potential, so I just have to drive myself to reach it. I'd normally say I have to find the motivation, but I've been saying that for so long I'm tired of it. Just fucking get on with it you stupid shit. Here I go.
So much goes unspoken when you keep it all to yourself. I will not speak of the many things I want to, but I will try to speak a part of it. I have been trying to find or make something of myself. So much has happened and my life has been ever changing. I am not the person who I once was and I am also on my way to becoming the person I've so desired. I thought that to being impossible years ago, but I can actually become someone who can love himself and just be a decent human being, hopefully even better.

So much I would like to discuss about the hardships and happiness that has occurred through these recent years, such as restoring my faith God, to whom I turned my back on so many years ago. Or even about betraying someone so close and dear to my heart and still being able to be loved by that person.

I'm here for myself. I am lonely many times, but it doesn't have to be such a painful experience like it has been for so many years of my life. I can conquer this false despair because I know better. I always have, but never to sure how to. I am loved, and for that, I have to try my best.

Alright. Now to talk about something that constantly comes to mind.

I love her. I'll always love and care about her, but I need to move on. As much as I've kept trying to convince myself that my feelings for her have changed, I took the time to be honest with myself, or at least try to. Am I still in love with her? Yes. Even so, our relationship has definitely changed. Our lives are separate now and my being in love has no place in her life now. Loving her is a different story. I want to sort out my feelings. She is an amazing person in which I strongly desire a relationship with. I hope it is possible. I thought it was and a lot of people think it is, too. Being friends with someone who held your heart and you held hers. It's not easy to gently let it go.

Maybe it was a mistake break up with her and see her again so soon. We both went to a dark place which I can't imagine anymore. I'm sorry for putting her through that. For putting myself through that. Why did I break up with her? It was the only thing I could do to be able to hold on to her. During our time as a couple, I have yet learned to love and care about myself. I knew I couldn't love her to the full extent without being happy with myself. She unknowingly hurt me in a way I knew I would come to resent her if I didn't come to terms about my own feelings. I would have been the one to poison our love if we had tried to work it out. Turns out that it was a great decision. Went through a lot of difficult times (still going through them, which is why I'm here), but so many great things have happened along the way.

I don't know where we stand. I don't know where I stand. I don't know what she thinks, what she feels. I know I shouldn't worry about it so much. Hopefully admitting it somewhere like here will help me to do so. A good mutual friend I talk to about her, told me that I have a self-destructive type personality. It's not as bad as it use to be, but from time to time I can have a relapse. My goal is to prevent that, but I slipped up again not too long ago.

After doing a 5k marathon with her and some friends, I spent the day with her and her family for their Chinese New Years get together. It was really fun. I love her family and I'm glad that I'm still welcomed and can be part of it. That day showed me that I need to get my feelings settled or under control. I feel strongly for this girl. I love her and I want to be with her. But I can't. She's with someone else. I don't know much detail, but having met him a few times and seeing them together, I have no doubt that he will be able make her happy. I miss her smile. I hope he gives her many things to smile about and makes her feel beautiful. Most of all, I want her to feel that way about herself. She played a part to me finding my own self-worth.

The next night I went over to see her. I've been struggling with school and she has been on my mind. The stress has me overwhelmed. I wanted to try to settle my emotions and feelings. I told her I wanted to move on and find closure. The next thing I knew I shouldn't have asked, but I guess my self-destructive personality took over. I asked her to tell me that she didn't love me in that way anymore. I'm such a dick, heh. What did I want out of that? Some sense that that relationship is over? Or to see if she still has some of the same feelings towards me? I'm really at a disarray when it comes to thinking about her, which puts the thought that I need time for myself, which I do.

I deeply care about her. I don't know why I think about this, but I'll try my best to say it on how I feel it. Maybe if I make it public, I won't have to internalize it so much. I want her to love her boyfriend and be open with him as much as she was with me, but I feel that she is already pretty open. Same from him to her. But the thing I want to tell her is that during our relationship, I wish that you would have wanted to spend and give more effort to wanting to be with me. What I mean by that is I wanted her to come out to me, but that was more of my fault also, since I don't do much of any planning, lack of communicating those feelings and I'm willing to go out of my way for her. I think that's it. I didn't feel like she didn't go out of her way for me, even though that may not be true. Again, I am to blame because she can't read my mind.

When I'm with her, I think about how different we are. There are some things she does that irks me, but those are some of the things I love about her. It's strange, but not so much when you love everything about a person.

I've got to conclude on this because I spent too much time on this. I hope I can find some peace of mind for now. Maybe come back to talk about many of the other things that go through my mind. Not that anyone really cares, but this is for me after all. Hopefully, when things start to settle down, I'll start making videos and possibly do some vlogs. Who knows. Wish me luck on my studies. If you read this, thanks for taking an interest.
Life is beautiful. It is also filled with much grief and sorrow. The vast spectrum where any of us can fall cannot be measured, but most definitely felt.

Love is amazing. What can it do for one person to another. What it can do for one person to others or many people for one person.

The love I shared with Jennifer goes beyond anything I could say. When I think about it, I can't help but smile. Now that we're no longer together, I have been able to search my own heart to finally say that I can and want be happy with myself. The sacrifice was such a high price to pay, but I'll gladly accept it.

I wouldn't have been able to love her they way I truly wanted to if I couldn't love myself. The many years of hate I've had for myself, way before I met her, has taken such a toll. I was fortunate to have those I love and that love me. When she came into my life, she was this ball of energy, just all over the place. It was like she didn't have a care in the world and that she was just living in the moment. It was like the complete opposite of what was when I was her age. She was 15 and I was 18 at the time. It's funny to think about how I was attracted to her, but thought nothing of it because she was too young. I mean when I met her, I was kind of a chaperone at the time. It was a year later when we met up again that we started talking. It began with the old AIM messenger. I don't quite remember what we talked about, but I did ask her if she used her cell phone. She told me that she seldom used it. I told her that I'd call her every night just to say to good night. Hey, I liked the girl and I thought that was a pretty smooth and somewhat sweet move on my part. And that's how we started talking and things slowly progressed from there. Yeah... our relationship was something we built over time. Love is patient and kind after all, right?

The six years that we were together, I can't begin to describe. It was beautiful. She is beautiful.

I want her to be happy. The crazy thing for now is that I also want to be happy. It makes me pretty sad that we had to break up for me to feel that way about myself, but like I said, I could never love her the way I wanted to if I continued to feel the way I did about myself. I still falter from time to time, but I will try to do my best to be my best. Just like the love I shared with Jennifer, it will take time for me to be the person that I want to be. And now I know what I want. I want to be a good person and believe that I really am. I want to be a great nurse and give the care that nurses should give. I want people to smile and to be happy. My emotions and compassion have always been my greatest strength and weakness. Hopefully I can use that strength to reach my goal and to overcome the weakness in my heart.

The future is quite unclear for me to see now. But it's time for me to face today head on. I believe that she'll be doing the same. I was able to witness the changes in her life being the closest one to her heart. I know just how amazing she is. She still has a lot to learn also. She has good people in her life to love and support her, just as I do. So now I'm trying to let go. She believes in me. I believe in her.

Maybe someday I will fall in love again. Maybe she will fall for someone new. We set the damn bar pretty high for each other. hehe. At least I like to think so. We may even fall in love with each other again. Even if we don't, at least we will always love each other, in some form or another.

"live, love, laugh" I won't let the love we had be in vain.
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